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Children
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North Shore
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| How to Promote Emotional Awareness in Children Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
An important first step involves helping children to identify their feelings and emotions. On its face, this might not appear to be an
important step: Emotions are such personal experiences – how can children not be aware what they are feeling? However, young
children can experience emotions without having words to communicate and help them understand what they are feeling. A child
may feel angry but not know that it is anger that she is feeling. Adults know that children are angry when they see children make
certain facial expressions (e.g., their brows may furrow; they make an angry frown), vocalize in a certain way (e.g., they may
scream), and behave aggressively (e.g., hit or kick; pull away from another person, etc.). When children learn the words to name
their emotions, they not only become able to use words to express their feelings to others, they also become able to use words to
understand their own feelings.
In development, when a child begins to be able to use words to identify a given emotional state, his understanding of that state
will necessarily be incomplete. Emotional understanding does not simply spring up spontaneously. Parents play an important role
in helping children understand their emotions. At the most basic level, parents can help children understand (1) the types of
events that cause a particular type of emotion; (2) what a particular emotion may feel like; (3) what people tend to do when they
experience emotions.
For example, three-year-old Jennie becomes visibly upset when her new baby brother enters the household. She may observe
how her parents attend to and take care of the new baby, and feel that they may even prefer the new baby to Jennie. Most
adults would say that Jennie is obviously jealous. However, Jennie is unlikely to understand what she is feeling or why. She is
unlikely to be familiar with the word jealous, let alone be able to identify her feelings as jealousy. An important step in helping
Jennie to manage situations in which she feels jealous of her baby brother involves helping Jennie understand her feelings:
“Sometimes, when a new baby comes into the family, a girl can feel upset and even angry. They become afraid that their mommy
and daddy will love the new baby more than they will love them! And when that happens, even big girls become upset and mad at
the new baby. They may even want to hit the baby or make them go away! That’s called being jealous… Do you think that maybe
mommy and daddy are spending too much time with the new baby?”
As children come to understand the various aspects of any particular emotion, they gain greater insight both about their own
behavior and about the behavior of others. With assistance from parents, children can begin to find ways to manage, cope with
and regulate their emotions. Often, simply understanding what one feels is enough to begin to help a child cope with difficult
emotions. In this way, the capacity to become aware of emotions is necessary if children are to develop skills to bring their
emotions under conscious control. Parents play an essential role in helping children develop an understanding of their emotions.
We ordinarily think of emotions as exclusively personal experiences – private events that occur inside of us. We might think,
therefore, that helping children understand their emotions involves focusing only on the child him or herself. But this is not the
case. Most often, children (and adults) experience emotions in their interactions with other people. Part of the process of learning
to identify and understand emotions in the self is learning to identify and understand emotions in others. Gaining insight into our
own emotions requires that we understand how other people are thinking and feeling in any given emotional situation.
For example, take an everyday interaction that might occur between two preschool children: Five year-old Jerry wants to use the
clay with which his younger sister Tobey is playing. He asks Tobey for the clay, but she won’t give it to him. Jerry screams, “but I
want to play!” and yanks the clay from Tobey’s hand. She resists and Jerry hits her in the arm. Tobey cries. This situation
involves strong emotion in at least three people – an angry and impulsive Jerry, a hurt Tobey and, perhaps, an angry Mom or Dad.
In what follows, we can see how Jerry’s mother helps Jerry to understand his own and his sister’s emotions as she responds to
Jerry’s rule-violating actions.
important step: Emotions are such personal experiences – how can children not be aware what they are feeling? However, young
children can experience emotions without having words to communicate and help them understand what they are feeling. A child
may feel angry but not know that it is anger that she is feeling. Adults know that children are angry when they see children make
certain facial expressions (e.g., their brows may furrow; they make an angry frown), vocalize in a certain way (e.g., they may
scream), and behave aggressively (e.g., hit or kick; pull away from another person, etc.). When children learn the words to name
their emotions, they not only become able to use words to express their feelings to others, they also become able to use words to
understand their own feelings.
In development, when a child begins to be able to use words to identify a given emotional state, his understanding of that state
will necessarily be incomplete. Emotional understanding does not simply spring up spontaneously. Parents play an important role
in helping children understand their emotions. At the most basic level, parents can help children understand (1) the types of
events that cause a particular type of emotion; (2) what a particular emotion may feel like; (3) what people tend to do when they
experience emotions.
For example, three-year-old Jennie becomes visibly upset when her new baby brother enters the household. She may observe
how her parents attend to and take care of the new baby, and feel that they may even prefer the new baby to Jennie. Most
adults would say that Jennie is obviously jealous. However, Jennie is unlikely to understand what she is feeling or why. She is
unlikely to be familiar with the word jealous, let alone be able to identify her feelings as jealousy. An important step in helping
Jennie to manage situations in which she feels jealous of her baby brother involves helping Jennie understand her feelings:
“Sometimes, when a new baby comes into the family, a girl can feel upset and even angry. They become afraid that their mommy
and daddy will love the new baby more than they will love them! And when that happens, even big girls become upset and mad at
the new baby. They may even want to hit the baby or make them go away! That’s called being jealous… Do you think that maybe
mommy and daddy are spending too much time with the new baby?”
As children come to understand the various aspects of any particular emotion, they gain greater insight both about their own
behavior and about the behavior of others. With assistance from parents, children can begin to find ways to manage, cope with
and regulate their emotions. Often, simply understanding what one feels is enough to begin to help a child cope with difficult
emotions. In this way, the capacity to become aware of emotions is necessary if children are to develop skills to bring their
emotions under conscious control. Parents play an essential role in helping children develop an understanding of their emotions.
We ordinarily think of emotions as exclusively personal experiences – private events that occur inside of us. We might think,
therefore, that helping children understand their emotions involves focusing only on the child him or herself. But this is not the
case. Most often, children (and adults) experience emotions in their interactions with other people. Part of the process of learning
to identify and understand emotions in the self is learning to identify and understand emotions in others. Gaining insight into our
own emotions requires that we understand how other people are thinking and feeling in any given emotional situation.
For example, take an everyday interaction that might occur between two preschool children: Five year-old Jerry wants to use the
clay with which his younger sister Tobey is playing. He asks Tobey for the clay, but she won’t give it to him. Jerry screams, “but I
want to play!” and yanks the clay from Tobey’s hand. She resists and Jerry hits her in the arm. Tobey cries. This situation
involves strong emotion in at least three people – an angry and impulsive Jerry, a hurt Tobey and, perhaps, an angry Mom or Dad.
In what follows, we can see how Jerry’s mother helps Jerry to understand his own and his sister’s emotions as she responds to
Jerry’s rule-violating actions.
|
This is a typical, everyday disciplinary encounter. In this situation, the parent simultaneously redirect’s Jerry’s behavior by (a) prohibiting
an unwanted behavior (i.e., “Stop that right now!”), (b) stating the violated rule (i.e., “We never hit!”), and (c) explaining the basis of the
violated rule (i.e., “Hitting hurts”; “How would you feel if…”). At the same time, the mother engages Jerry in discussion intended to clarify
the nature of the emotions experienced by both Jerry and Tobey.
Jerry’s mother focuses Jerry’s attention on his own and his sister’s feelings. As a result, Jerry is (d) not only able to identify his own
emotion as anger, but he is also able to develop a deeper understanding of anger as (e) a feeling that occurs when we don’t get what
we want and one that (f) leads us to want to strike out at others. Jerry’s mother is also able to link Jerry’s understanding of his angry
actions to Tobey’s reactions – that she feels (g) “sad” and “mad” about being hit and (h) having her clay taken away from her. By the
end of the interaction, Jerry’s mother is beginning to help Jerry identify ways to (i) regulate his angry feelings and actions.
It is in and through hundreds and thousands of interactions like these that children gradually develop the capacity for emotional
awareness and understanding – both in themselves and in other people.
an unwanted behavior (i.e., “Stop that right now!”), (b) stating the violated rule (i.e., “We never hit!”), and (c) explaining the basis of the
violated rule (i.e., “Hitting hurts”; “How would you feel if…”). At the same time, the mother engages Jerry in discussion intended to clarify
the nature of the emotions experienced by both Jerry and Tobey.
Jerry’s mother focuses Jerry’s attention on his own and his sister’s feelings. As a result, Jerry is (d) not only able to identify his own
emotion as anger, but he is also able to develop a deeper understanding of anger as (e) a feeling that occurs when we don’t get what
we want and one that (f) leads us to want to strike out at others. Jerry’s mother is also able to link Jerry’s understanding of his angry
actions to Tobey’s reactions – that she feels (g) “sad” and “mad” about being hit and (h) having her clay taken away from her. By the
end of the interaction, Jerry’s mother is beginning to help Jerry identify ways to (i) regulate his angry feelings and actions.
It is in and through hundreds and thousands of interactions like these that children gradually develop the capacity for emotional
awareness and understanding – both in themselves and in other people.