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An Open Letter to Teens about Sexuality
By Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D.

The following is a letter to teenage children about sexuality. It is written with an intent to be free from any particular political agenda,

liberal, conservative or otherwise. The hope is that the values expressed in this letter will be something that many of us can agree

upon. However, if we differ, my hope is that it will at least lead to meaningful conversation.

In our current culture, it is generally assumed that engaging in sexual activity is something that will naturally occur during adolescence.
The teen years are seen as a time of exploration. Boys and girls will start to date. Sexual activity is part of the process of exploring social
relationships and development a sense of one’s body. There is a general feeling that there is nothing harmful in engaging in sexual
activity.   If two consenting individuals agree to do it, then no one is hurt. After all, sexual activity is pleasurable; it feels good. Why raise
questions about what consenting people do with their bodies?   This is no one’s business other than the people involved.

In the past years, there has even been a new trend. Rather than first dating and then, perhaps, engaging in sexual activity (or whatever
type), many teens and young adults engage in the practice of “hooking up”.   In “hooking up”, sexual activity is entirely separated from
interpersonal relationships. It is even something that occurs prior to dating. In more traditional times, couples would date; develop a
steady and lasting relationship; get married; and then engage in sexual activity.   Later on, couples would date, form a relationship,
engage in sexual activity; marriage was something that didn’t necessarily enter the equation. With the onset of “hooking up” the
relations between “dating” and “sexuality” are reverse. Couples “hook up” for casual sexual encounters, and then, maybe, if they like it,
begin to date. Or people join together as “friends with benefits” – friends who engage in sexual relations, but without any romantic
commitment.

So what? What’s the harm? Why not engage in sexual relations?   It’s old fashioned to think that there should be any moral issues
about sexuality. Again, if two people agree, well then, why not?
I don’t want you to think that sexual relations are a bad thing. Quite the contrary. Sexuality is (or at least can be) a wonderful thing.
Sexuality involves the joining together of two people in what is among the most intimate physical, emotional and even spiritual ways
possible.   Sexuality is not a bad thing. It’s not something that should not be talked about. It’s not something we should hide under the
covers.

And in fact, it is because can be so special that we need to think carefully about it.   There are serious practical reasons why it is
important to tread carefully when it comes to sex. You know what they are. Sex can lead to pregnancy; pregnancy before you are ready
brings forth serious questions that have serious consequences: Do I have the child? Do I have an abortion? If I have the child, what will
be the relationship between the mother and the father? Who will raise the child? Children change lives.   To have a baby when you are
young is to affect the entire course of your life. You can’t get that back.

This is why, if you choose to have sex, contraception is important. Contraception guards against unwanted pregnancy. And condoms
help guard against the other practical problem of sexuality – sexually transmitted diseases. You have heard about “safe sex” (which
does not exist) and “safer sex” (which does exist). If you choose to have sex, please practice “safer sex”. Use a condom.
But these are not the reasons the reasons why it is important to think long and hard about your sexuality.   Here is the reason. There is
very common belief that we have in our culture. It is, in my view, an erroneous belief, a false assumption, if you will. It is this: The goal of
sexual activity is pleasure. This is a belief that runs very deep in our culture. Pleasure is good, is it not? If a person is careful to practice
safer sex, why deny oneself the pleasures of sex.

To be sure, sexual activity is pleasurable. But that doesn’t mean that the goal of sex is simple pleasure. Let me explain.
Let’s think about some things that are pleasurable. How about some tasty food? What is your favorite food ? Chocolate cake? A
hamburger and fries?   There’s nothing like a juicy hamburger.

So there you are, eating that juicy hamburger at the local diner. Now Jamie walks in and sees you. Immediately, Jaime becomes jealous.
Yes, jealous of that hamburger.   What would you say if Jamie if said, “I’m jealous of that hamburger? I’m jealous that you are getting
pleasure from that hamburger instead of me.” You know what you would say to me. You’d say that Jaime was crazy. (And you’d be
right.)

Now, instead of eating hamburgers, let’s talk about having sex with other people. You and Jaime are in a sexual relationship.   Jaime
comes over to your house unexpected. Jaime catches you having sex with someone else!   Jaime is heartbroken! Jealous!   Jaime says,
“I’m jealous of that person who you are having sex with. I’m jealous that you are getting pleasure from having sex with that person
instead of with me.”   Now what would you say about Jaime? In this situation, is Jaime crazy? Not at all. Jaime’s jealousy is a very
normal reaction.

But wait! If sex is simply about pleasure, why should it matter?   You are getting pleasure from the hamburger.   You are getting pleasure
from your sexual encounter. A person can’t be jealous of the hamburger, but a person can be jealous that you are having sex with
someone else. If they’re both about pleasure, then what gives?   If eating and having sex are both about bodily pleasures, then why am
I not jealous when you eat the hamburger, but I am jealous when you have sexual relations with someone else?
The answer is because sexuality is not simply about pleasure. Although sex is pleasurable, the goal of sexual activity is not simply
pleasure.

What do we desire when we have sexual desire for another person? Well, we desire not simply pleasure, but the other person. Yes, the
other person. And not just the other person’s body – the other person – mind and body (or mind-in-body). Not convinced? Yes -- we do
desire the pleasure that comes from enjoying the other person’s body. But that is not all. We also want the other person to want us; to
take pleasure in our body; just as the other person wants to be wanted and desired by us.

And that’s why sexuality is jealous.   I can’t be jealous of the hamburger because I don’t compete with the hamburger for someone’s
desire and affection. I can be jealous of my lover’s lover, because I want my lover to desire me, not the other person.

Sexual activity is about intimacy – it is about coming to know, respect and care about another person. When people are sexually
intimate, they not only know each other’s bodies in the most intimate ways possible, but they come know and value the experience of the
other person – what a person likes, doesn’t like, what pleases, what doesn’t please, and so forth.

That is why sexual activity and love are so closely related. To love someone is to know that person, to care about that person, to respect
that person, and to be responsible toward that person.

These are the same qualities that make sexual activity a meaningful, intimate and spiritual experience – that it is done with knowledge,
respect, care, and responsibility to the other.   If sexuality is not practiced with these values, it borders on exploitation. Would you want
your partner to want to have sex with you simply for bodily pleasure? Without knowing you, caring about you, respecting you or being
responsible to you?

If sexual activity is about intimacy with another person, and not simply about pleasure, then it is not such a simple thing at all. Think hard
about what you may be giving up – or giving away – when you engage in the most intimate of acts with someone with whom you are not
intimate.