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| How Teaching Kids to Resolve Conflict Fosters Development By Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
© Copyright 2007-2009, North Shore Ink, All Rights Reserved
Conflict occurs whenever there is opposition, disagreement or contradiction between any two things. There are all types of
conflicts. Conflicts can occur within individual people or between two or more people. For example, within individuals, a person can
experience conflict between:
.
Conflict between people happens all the time. Conflict can occur between children, between adults, or between adults and
children. People can experience conflict about:
Conflict and challenge are inevitable part of everyday life. Many of the problems that we encounter in everyday life have to do with
how we deal with conflict in our lives. A great deal of what we take to be healthy development in children has to do with how
children manage situations involving some type of conflict, whether conflict is practical (e.g., how to solve a problem); social (e.g.,
how to get along with a friend); or moral (e.g., doing the right thing when it would be easier to do otherwise).
How we teach our children to manage conflict in their lives plays a central role in their social, moral and personality development.
Why is this so? We spend our lives working to meet our goals, to adjust to new situations, to conquer the challenges and problems
that life bestows upon us. The way we confront a conflict or problem will determine the nature and course of our successes in life –
whether we are talking about academic success, success in interpersonal relationships, success in our careers, in sports or what
have you. It follows that how we teach our children to deal with conflict will determine how children are able to adapt intellectually,
emotionally and socially to problems that necessarily arise in everyday life.
A conflict is a kind of problem. There are at least two ways to think of the concept of a problem. One way is to think of a problem
as “a bad situation that we are stuck with”. Every day Rob travels to work, he must sit through a long traffic jam. When we say,
“yeah, that’s a problem”, we say, “that’s something that Rob just has to deal with. There’s not much he can do about it.” But there’
s another sense of the word “problem”. It is possible to think of a problem not as simply a “bad situation”, but instead as a
problem-to-be-solved. This is the mindset we should attempt to cultivate in our children. Parents can do a great deal to help their
children approach the personal and interpersonal conflicts not simply as “problems” but instead as “problems-to-be-solved”.
We often thing of conflict as a bad thing – especially when it occurs between people. To be sure, conflict – and especially
interpersonal conflict – is not necessarily pleasant. However, situations involving conflict provide rich opportunities for
development. As a result, conflict, properly handled, can actually be a good thing. Consider what happens when a parent is able to
guide his or her child successfully through an experience of interpersonal conflict. Let’s take a simple example.
It’s Friday. Nine-year-old Zack comes home from school. He asks Dad if he can invite Patrick over for play. In response, Dad says, “I’
m sorry Zack, but I have to go to Home Depot to buy some materials for your room. Since your mom is at work, I have to take you
with me.”
Now, in this situation, there is a conflict between what Zack wants and what Dad has to do. Zack wants to invite Patrick over, but
Dad has to take Zack to the hardware store. Dad also might be feeling a bit conflicted within himself. He probably wants to be able
to honor Zack’s request, but he can’t because he needs to do his errand. We have a conflict. How might Dad respond? First, the
way that Dad has responded is certainly a reasonable. He has to complete his errand, Zack is not going to be able to have Patrick
over for a visit. Dad’s statement functions as an explanation. Research shows that explanation (sometimes called “induction”)
plays a central role in promoting the internalization of rules and values. Simply providing consequences is not enough; deep
explanation of the rule and about why it is important is central to a child’s moral development. So, while Zack might be
disappointed, dealing with his disappointment – especially with some help from Dad – is an important lesson.
But other responses are possible. What would happen if Dad were to think of this situation as a conflict between his need to run
his errand and Zack’s request? How might the situation unfold? What might Zack learn? What does Dad need? Dad needs to run
his errand. What does Zack want? Zack wants to play with Patrick. Dad and Zack could begin a conversation:
Now, what has occurred in this simple conversation? A great deal indeed:
By bringing Zack into the process of joint problem solving, without “giving in” and thus imposing clear maturity demands on Zack,
Dad helps Zack to build a suite of important skills.
Helping a child develops ways to work through personal and interpersonal conflict and challenge is perhaps the biggest gift that a
parent can give to his or her child.
conflicts. Conflicts can occur within individual people or between two or more people. For example, within individuals, a person can
experience conflict between:
- • Competing goals (e.g., “I want to go to the movies, but I also want to visit my friend”);
• Opposing thoughts (e.g., “If something is big, it should sink when put in water; that big piece of cork is big, yet it floats”)
• Contradictory feelings (e.g., “I like playing with Bobby, but I also don’t like to play with him because he can be so
mean”);
• Clashes between what one wants and what one thinks should be (e.g., “I want to eat that last piece of chocolate
cake, but I know I shouldn’t do it”),
.
Conflict between people happens all the time. Conflict can occur between children, between adults, or between adults and
children. People can experience conflict about:
• Preferences and desires (e.g., Tobey wants to go to play a computer game, but Jane wants to go outside);
• How to solve a problem (e.g., Barry thinks taking the highway will be quicker but Jenna suggests an alternate route);
• What constitutes appropriate behavior (e.g., Mary wants to eat her whole candy bar, but Dad wants her to share
with her sister);
• Who gets to make a decision (e.g., Mom wants 16 year-old Marissa to wear her raincoat to school; Marissa hates the
raincoat and doesn’t want to wear it)
Conflict and challenge are inevitable part of everyday life. Many of the problems that we encounter in everyday life have to do with
how we deal with conflict in our lives. A great deal of what we take to be healthy development in children has to do with how
children manage situations involving some type of conflict, whether conflict is practical (e.g., how to solve a problem); social (e.g.,
how to get along with a friend); or moral (e.g., doing the right thing when it would be easier to do otherwise).
How we teach our children to manage conflict in their lives plays a central role in their social, moral and personality development.
Why is this so? We spend our lives working to meet our goals, to adjust to new situations, to conquer the challenges and problems
that life bestows upon us. The way we confront a conflict or problem will determine the nature and course of our successes in life –
whether we are talking about academic success, success in interpersonal relationships, success in our careers, in sports or what
have you. It follows that how we teach our children to deal with conflict will determine how children are able to adapt intellectually,
emotionally and socially to problems that necessarily arise in everyday life.
A conflict is a kind of problem. There are at least two ways to think of the concept of a problem. One way is to think of a problem
as “a bad situation that we are stuck with”. Every day Rob travels to work, he must sit through a long traffic jam. When we say,
“yeah, that’s a problem”, we say, “that’s something that Rob just has to deal with. There’s not much he can do about it.” But there’
s another sense of the word “problem”. It is possible to think of a problem not as simply a “bad situation”, but instead as a
problem-to-be-solved. This is the mindset we should attempt to cultivate in our children. Parents can do a great deal to help their
children approach the personal and interpersonal conflicts not simply as “problems” but instead as “problems-to-be-solved”.
We often thing of conflict as a bad thing – especially when it occurs between people. To be sure, conflict – and especially
interpersonal conflict – is not necessarily pleasant. However, situations involving conflict provide rich opportunities for
development. As a result, conflict, properly handled, can actually be a good thing. Consider what happens when a parent is able to
guide his or her child successfully through an experience of interpersonal conflict. Let’s take a simple example.
It’s Friday. Nine-year-old Zack comes home from school. He asks Dad if he can invite Patrick over for play. In response, Dad says, “I’
m sorry Zack, but I have to go to Home Depot to buy some materials for your room. Since your mom is at work, I have to take you
with me.”
Now, in this situation, there is a conflict between what Zack wants and what Dad has to do. Zack wants to invite Patrick over, but
Dad has to take Zack to the hardware store. Dad also might be feeling a bit conflicted within himself. He probably wants to be able
to honor Zack’s request, but he can’t because he needs to do his errand. We have a conflict. How might Dad respond? First, the
way that Dad has responded is certainly a reasonable. He has to complete his errand, Zack is not going to be able to have Patrick
over for a visit. Dad’s statement functions as an explanation. Research shows that explanation (sometimes called “induction”)
plays a central role in promoting the internalization of rules and values. Simply providing consequences is not enough; deep
explanation of the rule and about why it is important is central to a child’s moral development. So, while Zack might be
disappointed, dealing with his disappointment – especially with some help from Dad – is an important lesson.
But other responses are possible. What would happen if Dad were to think of this situation as a conflict between his need to run
his errand and Zack’s request? How might the situation unfold? What might Zack learn? What does Dad need? Dad needs to run
his errand. What does Zack want? Zack wants to play with Patrick. Dad and Zack could begin a conversation:
Dad: “I don’t know if there is a solution to this problem. But I wonder if we can think of a way that I can get my errand done
and you could be able to play with Zack. Can you think of any solutions?”
Zack: “Couldn’t you go to Home Depot tomorrow?”
Dad: “Sorry Zack, I want to work on your bedroom tomorrow. No – I have to go to Home Depot tonight.”
Zack: “Well, maybe I can go over Patrick’s house!”
Dad: “And what would Patrick’s parents think of you when you call them and try to invite yourself over to their house?”
Zack: “They’d love it!”
Dad: “Nice try. Try again.”
Zack: “I know, (imitating dad) ‘you can’t invite yourself over to someone’s house…’”
Dad: “Right. So that’s out. Is there another possible solution?”
Zack: “Maybe Patrick can come with us?”
Dad: “Do you think he’d like that? Won’t he be bored?”
Zack: “I don’t know. I can call and ask him…”
Now, what has occurred in this simple conversation? A great deal indeed:
- Dad has stated his own need (to go to the hardware store). This isn’t going to change. Zack must take into consideration
Dad’s need when thinking about this situation. - Without “giving in”, Dad has opened up the conversation to other possibilities. In so doing, he acknowledges Zack’s request
and treats it (and Zack) seriously. - Dad doesn’t solve the problem for Zack, but invites Zack to consider possible solutions – keeping in mind the constraint
imposed by Dad’s need to go to the hardware store. - Zack comes to see that there may be multiple possible solutions to any given problem – including those that no one has
thought of yet. - At each point, Zack is asked to consider the consequences of each of his proposed solutions to the problem. In this way,
Zack can come to see that he can’t simply have whatever he wants; he has to consider the needs of others. - Zack can begin to learn to care about Dad’s needs and to relate this to how Dad cares about what Zack wants. If Dad is
considering what Zack wants, it also necessary for Zack to consider what Dad needs. - Zack is developing cognitive skills involving identifying the nature of the problem, finding possible solutions to a problem, and
evaluating their consequences. - Zack is learning perspective taking skills.
- Zack is learning how to interact respectfully with others.
- Zack is learning how to regulate his own emotions. This is especially so because, in our example, we don’t know whether or
not Zack will get what he wants! Perhaps Patrick will say he doesn’t want to go to the hardware store. Zack will have to
deal with his disappointment.
By bringing Zack into the process of joint problem solving, without “giving in” and thus imposing clear maturity demands on Zack,
Dad helps Zack to build a suite of important skills.
Helping a child develops ways to work through personal and interpersonal conflict and challenge is perhaps the biggest gift that a
parent can give to his or her child.