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Children
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North Shore
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| Helping Children Cope with Emotional Situations Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
© Copyright 2007-2009, North Shore Ink, All Rights Reserved
Helping children manage emotional situations is difficult. One of the reasons why this is so is that parents have to make
judgments about the intensity of emotion that a child can tolerate in any given situation. The capacity to tolerate strong emotion
varies from child to child and from situation to situation. Children learn best at moderate levels of emotional intensity. A child’s
fear, anxiety, or other negative emotions). Thus, when children are in emotional situations, parents must make judgments about
whether or not to increase the intensity of children’s emotions from too low (e.g. boredom) to optimal (e.g., interest), or to diminish
the intensity of children’s emotions from overwhelming (e.g., distress) to more manageable (e.g., prepared for focused attention).
Identifying what is optimal or manageable in a given context is an art. On the one hand, if parents consistently remove difficult
events for children in an attempt to eliminate strong emotion, their children will neither have the opportunity to master the
challenges provided by difficult situations nor to build strategies for tolerating and managing the strong emotions that accompany
difficult situations. On the other hand, if parents fail to identify the limits of a child’s capacity to tolerate strong emotion in any
given context, a child’s behavior will be unable to cope with the event in question. Successful development requires a balance
between optimal challenge and nurturing support.
When children experience negative emotions, they are having some sort of difficulty dealing with some event. When this occurs, a
parent has three broad choices: A parent can (a) reduce (but not eliminate) the intensity the difficult event for the child; (b) help
the child manage emotion while taking steps toward mastering the challenging event; (c) help the child cope with the event by
modifying the ways in which she thinks about it. These choices are not mutually exclusive. Depending upon the circumstances,
parents can use a combination of these three choices. For example, a parent might reduce the degree of challenge provided by
an event in order to make a task more manageable. For example, a parent may break down an assignment for a child who feels
overwhelmed by a difficult homework task. By reducing the demands of the task, parent can help a child to manage frustration
over time so that the child can complete the task successfully. In so doing, the child is not only able to complete his homework,
his confidence is bolstered as he builds skills for tolerating frustration over the course of a difficult task.
The task of helping children to cope with difficult events by modifying their thoughts is a skill that requires explicit guidance by
parents. There are at least three different ways that parents can help children re-think the events that cause strong emotion.
Each involves what is often called “self-talk”. A parent shows a child how to talk to herself through a problem. By showing children
how to engage in “self-talk”, children can learn how to:
When events that cause strong feelings arise, it often becomes difficult to focus on other everyday tasks. A 7-year-old may feel
sad about the loss of a family pet; 12-year-old may feel anxious about an important school project whose deadline is looming. A
16-year-old may feel hurt by a recent break-up. Distraction and compartmentalization are useful strategies to help children cope –
at least temporarily – with feelings that “seep” into other aspects of everyday life. Distraction occurs when a child is able to focus
attention on a task – often a pleasurable one – that is different from stressful events. Compartmentalization is a more complex
strategy. Whereas distraction simply involves helping children involve themselves tasks that direct their attention to events other
than those that are bringing about stress, compartmentalization involves purposeful acts of identifying and “pushing away” difficult
feelings until such time that they can be more processed more directly. For example, when a child’s anxious feelings about an
upcoming project “spill over” into other parts of the day, a parent can encourage the child to label the event and deliberately “push
it away” when difficult thoughts arise:
go” involves helping children to identify what desired outcomes are and are not in their direct control, and then “letting go” or
detaching from the uncontrollable outcomes. Developing this skill takes guidance, time and practice. The most important step in
helping children learn to “let go” is to help them separate the controllable from the non-controllable. It is important to note that
detaching from uncontrollable outcomes is not a prescription for inaction in the face of challenge. On the contrary, when we attempt
to identify what we are and are not able to control, we often find that we are able to influence more than we might think. Further,
the ability to separate the controllable from the uncontrollable can help free children from the emotional burdens of focusing on the
unattainable and help them to focus their energy on attainable goals and activities.
At times, everyone experiences emotional circumstances that are too difficult to bear by oneself. A third important resource for
helping children to cope with emotionally difficult situations is to help children understand the need to rely upon their relationships
with others when feelings become particularly overwhelming. This is particularly important in cultures like the United States that
prize self-reliance. As children –particularly boys – get older, they may feel reluctant to seek help when experiencing difficult
problems. It is important for children to see that seeking emotional assistance is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is actually
an indication of knowledge and strength. Those who seek help when they need it are those who feel secure enough with
themselves to accept the guidance of others. Allowing others to share the burden of overly difficult emotion is something that helps
us to become stronger, not weaker.
judgments about the intensity of emotion that a child can tolerate in any given situation. The capacity to tolerate strong emotion
varies from child to child and from situation to situation. Children learn best at moderate levels of emotional intensity. A child’s
fear, anxiety, or other negative emotions). Thus, when children are in emotional situations, parents must make judgments about
whether or not to increase the intensity of children’s emotions from too low (e.g. boredom) to optimal (e.g., interest), or to diminish
the intensity of children’s emotions from overwhelming (e.g., distress) to more manageable (e.g., prepared for focused attention).
Identifying what is optimal or manageable in a given context is an art. On the one hand, if parents consistently remove difficult
events for children in an attempt to eliminate strong emotion, their children will neither have the opportunity to master the
challenges provided by difficult situations nor to build strategies for tolerating and managing the strong emotions that accompany
difficult situations. On the other hand, if parents fail to identify the limits of a child’s capacity to tolerate strong emotion in any
given context, a child’s behavior will be unable to cope with the event in question. Successful development requires a balance
between optimal challenge and nurturing support.
When children experience negative emotions, they are having some sort of difficulty dealing with some event. When this occurs, a
parent has three broad choices: A parent can (a) reduce (but not eliminate) the intensity the difficult event for the child; (b) help
the child manage emotion while taking steps toward mastering the challenging event; (c) help the child cope with the event by
modifying the ways in which she thinks about it. These choices are not mutually exclusive. Depending upon the circumstances,
parents can use a combination of these three choices. For example, a parent might reduce the degree of challenge provided by
an event in order to make a task more manageable. For example, a parent may break down an assignment for a child who feels
overwhelmed by a difficult homework task. By reducing the demands of the task, parent can help a child to manage frustration
over time so that the child can complete the task successfully. In so doing, the child is not only able to complete his homework,
his confidence is bolstered as he builds skills for tolerating frustration over the course of a difficult task.
The task of helping children to cope with difficult events by modifying their thoughts is a skill that requires explicit guidance by
parents. There are at least three different ways that parents can help children re-think the events that cause strong emotion.
Each involves what is often called “self-talk”. A parent shows a child how to talk to herself through a problem. By showing children
how to engage in “self-talk”, children can learn how to:
- • Distract themselves and compartmentalize problems until they can be resolved more constructively
• “Let go” of goals outside of our direct control (non-attachment)
• Form an emotional alliance with others when needed
When events that cause strong feelings arise, it often becomes difficult to focus on other everyday tasks. A 7-year-old may feel
sad about the loss of a family pet; 12-year-old may feel anxious about an important school project whose deadline is looming. A
16-year-old may feel hurt by a recent break-up. Distraction and compartmentalization are useful strategies to help children cope –
at least temporarily – with feelings that “seep” into other aspects of everyday life. Distraction occurs when a child is able to focus
attention on a task – often a pleasurable one – that is different from stressful events. Compartmentalization is a more complex
strategy. Whereas distraction simply involves helping children involve themselves tasks that direct their attention to events other
than those that are bringing about stress, compartmentalization involves purposeful acts of identifying and “pushing away” difficult
feelings until such time that they can be more processed more directly. For example, when a child’s anxious feelings about an
upcoming project “spill over” into other parts of the day, a parent can encourage the child to label the event and deliberately “push
it away” when difficult thoughts arise:
Dad: How does it feel when you are thinking about your test?
Sarah: I feel all jittery like I can’t stop thinking about it.
Dad: So you feel jittery and anxious. You’re always worrying about the test.
Sarah: Yeah, that’s right.
Dad: Okay, try this. Whenever you feel jittery, say to yourself, “That’s my jittery test feeling”. Then, in your mind, just
push it away and say, “I can study for my test later”. Put your jittery feeling in a box and lock it. And then say
to
yourself, “I have to listen to my teacher now” or whatever it is that you have to do.
Sarah: That won’t work! I mean, it may work, but only for a few minutes. Then I’ll start worrying all over again.
Dad: That’s right – it’s hard to keep difficult feelings out of your mind. They keep popping up and coming back. When
that happens, you simply say, “That’s my jittery test feeling” again, and keep doing it. The more you
practice, the better you get. And then, later on tonight, we’ll study hard for your test so you can do well!
go” involves helping children to identify what desired outcomes are and are not in their direct control, and then “letting go” or
detaching from the uncontrollable outcomes. Developing this skill takes guidance, time and practice. The most important step in
helping children learn to “let go” is to help them separate the controllable from the non-controllable. It is important to note that
detaching from uncontrollable outcomes is not a prescription for inaction in the face of challenge. On the contrary, when we attempt
to identify what we are and are not able to control, we often find that we are able to influence more than we might think. Further,
the ability to separate the controllable from the uncontrollable can help free children from the emotional burdens of focusing on the
unattainable and help them to focus their energy on attainable goals and activities.
At times, everyone experiences emotional circumstances that are too difficult to bear by oneself. A third important resource for
helping children to cope with emotionally difficult situations is to help children understand the need to rely upon their relationships
with others when feelings become particularly overwhelming. This is particularly important in cultures like the United States that
prize self-reliance. As children –particularly boys – get older, they may feel reluctant to seek help when experiencing difficult
problems. It is important for children to see that seeking emotional assistance is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is actually
an indication of knowledge and strength. Those who seek help when they need it are those who feel secure enough with
themselves to accept the guidance of others. Allowing others to share the burden of overly difficult emotion is something that helps
us to become stronger, not weaker.