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Children
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North Shore
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| Cultivating a Life of Purpose By Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
© Copyright 2007-2009, North Shore Ink, All Rights Reserved
Adolescence is a time of change. During adolescence, there are the obvious changes associated with puberty. Teenagers often spend
more time with friends, seem to become more emotional, and develop new interests. They begin to think in more abstract ways, and
begin to probe their sense of identity. Who am I? Who do I want to be?
One of the most important qualities that a parent can nurture in his or her adolescent is a sense of purpose. Now, to be sure, most teens
do have what might be called a sense of “short-term purpose” in their lives. They may want to excel in sports, be more popular, get good
grades, be seen as attractive to potential romantic partners, and so forth. These issues are very important to contemporary teens.
These issues need to be understood and respected.
However, there is a more profound sense of purpose that is important for teens to cultivate. This is a larger sense of purpose – a
personal, social or moral sense of purpose. It is related to what used to be called moral character. It is vitally important for teens to
begin to contemplate bigger questions. These questions include (but are not limited to): What are my values? What kind of person do I
want to be? What can I commit myself to? What really matters in life? What does it mean to be a good person? How can I contribute to
the world?
These are the larger and more important questions of life. Answers to these questions put all other questions into perspective. And it is
in asking and answering these questions that schools, communities, media and even families are falling short. We simply do not have
conversations about these types of issues in ways that support the moral development of our teens.
These are the arguments made by William Damon, professor of psychology at Stanford University and a leading voice in human
development. In his book, The Path to Purpose: Helping Our Children Find their Calling in Life (2007, Free Press), Damon reports the results
of a study he performed with youths from all corners of American life. Damon interviewed teens and identified four types of youths
according to their developing sense of purpose in life. These include:
The Disengaged
The disengage make up one-fourth of the sample that Damon interviewed. Disengaged youths are teens who not only have not found a
sense of purpose in their lives, but they aren’t even looking. Such teens seem apathetic and jaded. The question they seem to ask is,
“What’s the big deal about having goals?” These are the toughest group to reach, as they seem unaware of the value of having purpose
in life, and unmotivated to seek a sense of purpose. Instead, they claim to find meaning in a sense of detachment, short term
gratification, and hedonism. Who cares about the future? The future will take care of itself.
The Dreamers
Dreamers are teens who have ostensibly high aspirations – to be rock stars, filmmakers, doctors, sports figures – but who have no real
understanding of what it means or what it takes to bring about those aspirations. Dreamers have a “romantic” notion of purpose. They
seem to want to pursue grand purposes – often defined non-reflectively in terms of what will bring fame and fortune – but without a
sense of the slow, hard work that it will take to actualize those aspirations. As a result, dreamers tend to pursue unrealistic purposes.
The result, of course, is that when reality falls short of their dreams, they are left with no clear purpose at all.
The Dabblers
“Dabblers” are teens who have a variety of different interests, but who show little commitment to them. Their interests are disconnected
and are not organized by any clear sense of values or direction. Such teens might move from “dabbling” in a sport to taking up an
instrument, to hanging out with a particular clique without any real inspiration or commitment to any of these activities.
The Purposeful
Purposeful children make up one-fifth of the sample that Damon interviewed. They are highly engaged in activities that bring them joy
and a sense of accomplishment. Purposeful teens have a clear sense of what they want to do with their lives. They are active and take
responsibility for pursuing those purposes. Quite often, those purposes include those that extend beyond the self. They involve a desire
to contribute to society, provide service or perform good works.
How Parents Can Help
According to Damon, only twenty percent of the teens that he interviewed were thriving; one quarter was “disengaged” and the rest fell
in between. Although adolescence is a time for experimenting with identity and forging a sense of purpose, these numbers are not
encouraging. But there is something that parents can do to help promote a sense of purpose in children.
First, it is important to take every opportunity that you have to communicate the idea that what your child does should be something that
matters to him or her. This means stressing the importance of values and trying to live according to one’s chosen values. We should not
be afraid to discuss values with our children. Part of discussing values is to talk with our children about what makes our own lives
meaningful. It is helpful to talk to children about your values. In this way, you can be a role model for your child. When you do, it is okay
to talk about how you try to live your life, about when you succeed and when you come up short. This way your child will come to see
that developing a set of values and living up to them is a long-term process.
Second, a sense of purpose often develops along with a sense of personal responsibility. Children develop a sense of personal
responsibility when they are given responsibilities and supported in their attempts to live up to those responsibilities. For many families,
chores are a good place to start. Children who get into the routine of doing chores – vacuuming the carpet, taking out the trash, setting
the table, etc. – are well on their way to understanding that they are able to make a contribution to family life. In this and other ways,
children learn a sense of responsibility and purpose by making contributions to something larger than the self.
Finally, it is often helpful to adopt a “supporting” rather than “dictatorial” role in helping your child to articulate his or her value system.
It is rarely helpful – at least in our culture – to dictate what values you think your child should have. Instead, it is more helpful to look for
an opening – identify a problem or an issue that your child is facing – and then help your child to figure out what is most important in that
situation. Again, you can tell your child what you think; but be sensitive to your role as someone who is helping your child develop her
own ideas.
more time with friends, seem to become more emotional, and develop new interests. They begin to think in more abstract ways, and
begin to probe their sense of identity. Who am I? Who do I want to be?
One of the most important qualities that a parent can nurture in his or her adolescent is a sense of purpose. Now, to be sure, most teens
do have what might be called a sense of “short-term purpose” in their lives. They may want to excel in sports, be more popular, get good
grades, be seen as attractive to potential romantic partners, and so forth. These issues are very important to contemporary teens.
These issues need to be understood and respected.
However, there is a more profound sense of purpose that is important for teens to cultivate. This is a larger sense of purpose – a
personal, social or moral sense of purpose. It is related to what used to be called moral character. It is vitally important for teens to
begin to contemplate bigger questions. These questions include (but are not limited to): What are my values? What kind of person do I
want to be? What can I commit myself to? What really matters in life? What does it mean to be a good person? How can I contribute to
the world?
These are the larger and more important questions of life. Answers to these questions put all other questions into perspective. And it is
in asking and answering these questions that schools, communities, media and even families are falling short. We simply do not have
conversations about these types of issues in ways that support the moral development of our teens.
These are the arguments made by William Damon, professor of psychology at Stanford University and a leading voice in human
development. In his book, The Path to Purpose: Helping Our Children Find their Calling in Life (2007, Free Press), Damon reports the results
of a study he performed with youths from all corners of American life. Damon interviewed teens and identified four types of youths
according to their developing sense of purpose in life. These include:
The Disengaged
The disengage make up one-fourth of the sample that Damon interviewed. Disengaged youths are teens who not only have not found a
sense of purpose in their lives, but they aren’t even looking. Such teens seem apathetic and jaded. The question they seem to ask is,
“What’s the big deal about having goals?” These are the toughest group to reach, as they seem unaware of the value of having purpose
in life, and unmotivated to seek a sense of purpose. Instead, they claim to find meaning in a sense of detachment, short term
gratification, and hedonism. Who cares about the future? The future will take care of itself.
The Dreamers
Dreamers are teens who have ostensibly high aspirations – to be rock stars, filmmakers, doctors, sports figures – but who have no real
understanding of what it means or what it takes to bring about those aspirations. Dreamers have a “romantic” notion of purpose. They
seem to want to pursue grand purposes – often defined non-reflectively in terms of what will bring fame and fortune – but without a
sense of the slow, hard work that it will take to actualize those aspirations. As a result, dreamers tend to pursue unrealistic purposes.
The result, of course, is that when reality falls short of their dreams, they are left with no clear purpose at all.
The Dabblers
“Dabblers” are teens who have a variety of different interests, but who show little commitment to them. Their interests are disconnected
and are not organized by any clear sense of values or direction. Such teens might move from “dabbling” in a sport to taking up an
instrument, to hanging out with a particular clique without any real inspiration or commitment to any of these activities.
The Purposeful
Purposeful children make up one-fifth of the sample that Damon interviewed. They are highly engaged in activities that bring them joy
and a sense of accomplishment. Purposeful teens have a clear sense of what they want to do with their lives. They are active and take
responsibility for pursuing those purposes. Quite often, those purposes include those that extend beyond the self. They involve a desire
to contribute to society, provide service or perform good works.
How Parents Can Help
According to Damon, only twenty percent of the teens that he interviewed were thriving; one quarter was “disengaged” and the rest fell
in between. Although adolescence is a time for experimenting with identity and forging a sense of purpose, these numbers are not
encouraging. But there is something that parents can do to help promote a sense of purpose in children.
First, it is important to take every opportunity that you have to communicate the idea that what your child does should be something that
matters to him or her. This means stressing the importance of values and trying to live according to one’s chosen values. We should not
be afraid to discuss values with our children. Part of discussing values is to talk with our children about what makes our own lives
meaningful. It is helpful to talk to children about your values. In this way, you can be a role model for your child. When you do, it is okay
to talk about how you try to live your life, about when you succeed and when you come up short. This way your child will come to see
that developing a set of values and living up to them is a long-term process.
Second, a sense of purpose often develops along with a sense of personal responsibility. Children develop a sense of personal
responsibility when they are given responsibilities and supported in their attempts to live up to those responsibilities. For many families,
chores are a good place to start. Children who get into the routine of doing chores – vacuuming the carpet, taking out the trash, setting
the table, etc. – are well on their way to understanding that they are able to make a contribution to family life. In this and other ways,
children learn a sense of responsibility and purpose by making contributions to something larger than the self.
Finally, it is often helpful to adopt a “supporting” rather than “dictatorial” role in helping your child to articulate his or her value system.
It is rarely helpful – at least in our culture – to dictate what values you think your child should have. Instead, it is more helpful to look for
an opening – identify a problem or an issue that your child is facing – and then help your child to figure out what is most important in that
situation. Again, you can tell your child what you think; but be sensitive to your role as someone who is helping your child develop her
own ideas.