| . |
Children
&
Families
North Shore
| the online and print forum promoting the development of children, families and the parents who care for them |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
| Communication between the Sexes: The Clash of Perspectives By Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
© Copyright 2007-2009, North Shore Ink, All Rights Reserved
Does this sound familiar? Vera wants to tell her partner Ed about her day. She describes what happened with her co-worker Karen.
Vera wants to feel understood, listened to and supported. Ed wants to fix the problem that Very has described. Both become
frustrated with each other. Why is this happened? What can be done about it?
First of all, as much as you may not want to believe it, neither Ed nor Vera is either right or wrong. They simply approach the issue of
communicating from very different perspectives. Vera and Ed – like many men and women – want different things when they talk
about their everyday problems. Understanding the difference between what men and women often want is a first step to making
things better. It won’t make conflicts go away; but it may make them easier to deal with.
Men and women often (but by no means always) approach social relationships in different ways. Many men tend to experience their
relationships to others in terms of hierarchy, competence, and status. They are often more focused on being competent in a
competitive environment where some people are superiors, others equals, and still others subordinates. Part of being involved in a
competitive hierarchy is being seen as competent to solve problems. For many men, when problems arise, the top priority is solving
the problem.
Many women, however, tend to experience their relationships as a kind of web of connections with other people. Women tend to
focus less on separateness and status and more on closeness and emotional connection. For many women, when the talk turns to
everyday problems, the top priority is to feel listened to, understood and supported. Only after that happens can problem solving
begin.
(It is very important to understand that these two perspectives – hierarchy and problem solving versus emotional connection – are
gender-related but not gender-specific. Men want and are capable of emotional connection. Women are concerned with status and
competence within social hierarchies. However, men tend to focus less on emotional connection and women tend to focus less on
status and problem solving. Both modes exist among males and females; one is simply more central than the other in either sex.)
Now this clash of perspectives causes a great deal of conflict and misunderstanding! Consider the following exchange:
Dave: Today my boss gave me an extra assignment to do a half hour before I was supposed to leave. And he wanted it at the
end of the day. I was so angry!
Ellen: Yeah. Last week, at the last minute, my secretary scheduled another client for me to see. I wasn’t happy at all!
Dave: Why are you changing the subject? I’m trying to tell you about why I’m late, and there you go talking about something that
happened to you! Do you think your experience is more important than mine?
Ellen: Chill out! I was just trying to sympathize! I was just trying to show you that I understand what you were experiencing!
This is a classic! Dave feels that Ellen is changing the subject because she is talking about something that happened to her. But Ellen
doesn’t experience herself as changing the subject – she describes her own similar experience so that Dave can feel understood. The
conflict occurred because Dave and Ellen approached the same interaction from very different perspectives.
Here’s another all-too-common example:
Duncan: Where do you want to eat tonight?
Cindy: Do you want to go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: I’m asking you where you want to go!
Cindy: I just told you! Why don’t we go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: You didn’t just tell me; you asked me what I wanted!
Cindy: I don’t want to make the decision myself. I’m trying to be considerate. When I say, ‘Why not Vincenzo’s’, I’m saying that
I want to go there, but only if you do.
Duncan: You want me to read your mind. Why can’t you just say what you want?
Cindy: I don’t want to be so explicit. You could try a little mind reading, you know.
Here we go again! Duncan wants Cindy to be straight with him – cut to the chase and tell me what you want! Duncan wants the
problem solved. Cindy, however, wants to preserve the emotional connection. By only hinting at what she wants, she tries to take
into account Duncan’s feelings. The result is something that neither partner wanted to happen!
So, who’s right? Really – no one. They’re just frustratingly different! So, what’s a couple to do?
Relationships develop through talk. And when talk fails, that’s when more talk is needed. Reducing gender-based barriers to
communication can make a big difference in your attempts to manage the inevitable conflicts that arise in any relationship.
Vera wants to feel understood, listened to and supported. Ed wants to fix the problem that Very has described. Both become
frustrated with each other. Why is this happened? What can be done about it?
First of all, as much as you may not want to believe it, neither Ed nor Vera is either right or wrong. They simply approach the issue of
communicating from very different perspectives. Vera and Ed – like many men and women – want different things when they talk
about their everyday problems. Understanding the difference between what men and women often want is a first step to making
things better. It won’t make conflicts go away; but it may make them easier to deal with.
Men and women often (but by no means always) approach social relationships in different ways. Many men tend to experience their
relationships to others in terms of hierarchy, competence, and status. They are often more focused on being competent in a
competitive environment where some people are superiors, others equals, and still others subordinates. Part of being involved in a
competitive hierarchy is being seen as competent to solve problems. For many men, when problems arise, the top priority is solving
the problem.
Many women, however, tend to experience their relationships as a kind of web of connections with other people. Women tend to
focus less on separateness and status and more on closeness and emotional connection. For many women, when the talk turns to
everyday problems, the top priority is to feel listened to, understood and supported. Only after that happens can problem solving
begin.
(It is very important to understand that these two perspectives – hierarchy and problem solving versus emotional connection – are
gender-related but not gender-specific. Men want and are capable of emotional connection. Women are concerned with status and
competence within social hierarchies. However, men tend to focus less on emotional connection and women tend to focus less on
status and problem solving. Both modes exist among males and females; one is simply more central than the other in either sex.)
Now this clash of perspectives causes a great deal of conflict and misunderstanding! Consider the following exchange:
Dave: Today my boss gave me an extra assignment to do a half hour before I was supposed to leave. And he wanted it at the
end of the day. I was so angry!
Ellen: Yeah. Last week, at the last minute, my secretary scheduled another client for me to see. I wasn’t happy at all!
Dave: Why are you changing the subject? I’m trying to tell you about why I’m late, and there you go talking about something that
happened to you! Do you think your experience is more important than mine?
Ellen: Chill out! I was just trying to sympathize! I was just trying to show you that I understand what you were experiencing!
This is a classic! Dave feels that Ellen is changing the subject because she is talking about something that happened to her. But Ellen
doesn’t experience herself as changing the subject – she describes her own similar experience so that Dave can feel understood. The
conflict occurred because Dave and Ellen approached the same interaction from very different perspectives.
Here’s another all-too-common example:
Duncan: Where do you want to eat tonight?
Cindy: Do you want to go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: I’m asking you where you want to go!
Cindy: I just told you! Why don’t we go to Vincenzo’s?
Duncan: You didn’t just tell me; you asked me what I wanted!
Cindy: I don’t want to make the decision myself. I’m trying to be considerate. When I say, ‘Why not Vincenzo’s’, I’m saying that
I want to go there, but only if you do.
Duncan: You want me to read your mind. Why can’t you just say what you want?
Cindy: I don’t want to be so explicit. You could try a little mind reading, you know.
Here we go again! Duncan wants Cindy to be straight with him – cut to the chase and tell me what you want! Duncan wants the
problem solved. Cindy, however, wants to preserve the emotional connection. By only hinting at what she wants, she tries to take
into account Duncan’s feelings. The result is something that neither partner wanted to happen!
So, who’s right? Really – no one. They’re just frustratingly different! So, what’s a couple to do?
- Understand the differences. You can go a long way simply to understand the types of differences in male and female
conversation styles. Simply understanding can help a lot. - Don’t assume the worst. It’s difficult, but it might help to try to assume that your partner is doing his or her best. After all, this
person loves you. Is he or she really trying to do you harm? - Men: Try some mindreading. Being able to intuit what your partner wants on the basis of verbal and nonverbal cues is a skill.
It takes time to develop. You don’t have to abandon your own style of communicating. Your partner will almost certainly
appreciate your attempt to intuit what she wants. - Men: Ask yourself, "What would I want if I wanted to feel supported?" When your partner seems to be talking about a
problem, consider the possibility that her first priority may not be to solve it. Instead, she may simply want to feel understood.
Ask yourself, “If I wanted simply wanted to know that someone understands and sympathizes with my feelings, what would I
want?” Try to do just that. - Women: Try a bit of directness. Even though you might fear being rude or selfish, you might consider trying to be more direct
in your communication. One way to be direct without being presumptuous is simply to provide information about how you feel.
“I like Vincenzo’s, but I’m open to what you want too.” - Women: Try to hear your mate’s attempt to fix the problem (argh!) as an attempt to make you feel better. In all likelihood,
your mate is trying to make you feel better by trying to help you solve the problem. If you can hear his “solutions” in that way,
perhaps you can accept them more easily. It’s also okay to tell your partner, well, go onto the next item to find out… - Coach each other’s conversational focus: If you feel frustrated, try telling each other just what you want out of a
conversation. It’s okay to say, “I don’t want you to try to fix the problem, I just need you to understand” or “I know you don’t
want to be rude, but I really just want to know what you think” or something similar. - Identify when conflicts occur. Come up with a code word or phrase (“I think we have a clash of perspectives here”) to identify
when you think that there is a problem of perspectives. If you can identify when clashes occur, you can sit down and identify
whether or not you understand each other.
Relationships develop through talk. And when talk fails, that’s when more talk is needed. Reducing gender-based barriers to
communication can make a big difference in your attempts to manage the inevitable conflicts that arise in any relationship.
|