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| The Power of “I” by Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
It is so easy for all of us to fall into the trap of becoming defensive and blaming others. We do it all the time! Tommy is late to pick
up Teri for her appointment. Teri becomes angry:
Teri: “Why are you always late? Now I’m going to be late for my appointment!”
Now, Teri may (or may not) be absolutely right! Nevertheless, Teri’s blame immediately puts Tommy on the defensive.
Tommy: “What do you mean ‘why was I late’? Do you have any idea what the traffic is like this time of day? Next time, get yourself
to your own appointment!”
This is a common situation. It’s often difficult to control bad feelings during times of conflict. But even if Teri were right, her anger is
not going to change Tommy’s behavior. In fact, it’s more likely to make the situation even worse.
Now, there are many ways to fix a situation like this. Here is one three-step solution. When a conflict arises, take a deep breath,
think a bit about what it is that you want to achieve, and do the following.
Let’s take it step-by-step.
Start with the Positive
Whoa! First calm down. Take three or ten deep breaths. Then, start by calmly stating something that you appreciate about the other
person. It has to be something genuine – something that you really believe that is positive about the other person as it relates to the
context or problem at hand. For example, Teri might say to Tommy,
“Tommy, I really appreciate your taking the time to pick me up today. I know that there are a thousand other things that you could
have been doing. You are really being helpful to me.”
Accept Responsibility for Your Role in the Conflict
It is a truly rare conflict that is caused by only one person. Really. It’s true. Even when you don’t think it is.
So, when there is a conflict, after you take your breaths, think hard. If you are pointing the finger at the other person in your mind,
stop! Then turn that finger back and – just for a second or two – point it to yourself. Ask yourself: Is it possible that there is anything
– however small --- that I could have done to contribute to this? After you immediately say, “NO WAY, HE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS
LATE!”, breathe and try again. Is there anything? Anything at all? “Hmmm…I didn’t really give Tommy very much notice when I asked
him to pick me up. I kind of just asked at the last minute.” Or perhaps “I didn’t really factor in how much time it would take for him to
come and get me during rush hour”. It could be anything.
And then, once you find it, own up to it! Be brave. You’ll be doing the right thing.
“Tommy, I realize now that I kind of asked to you come and get me at the last minute. I shouldn’t have done that. Next time, I’ll try
not to wait until the last moment.”
Use I-Statements to Communicate How You Feel
Now, use I-Statements to tell the other person how you feel about the situation.
Now wait: I said tell the other person how YOU FEEL about the situation. Now here’s the rub: When you do this, don’t blame the other
person – just state how you feel. Don’t tell the other person what a jerk he or she was; about what he or she did wrong; about how
unreliable he or she is.
Instead, use I-Statements. An I-STATEMENT is a sentence that begins with the word “I” and tells how you feel inside. An I-
STATEMENT is different from a YOU-STATEMENT. A YOU-Statement says something about the other person. When we blame, we use
YOU-STATEMENTS. Here are some:
You are always late!
You are making me late!
You should have come on time!
You didn’t plan enough ahead of time!
Of course, YOU-STATEMENTS put people on the defensive.
I-STATEMENTS are less likely to put people on the defensive. Here are some:
I felt as if I wasn’t important.
I felt as if my appointment wasn’t important to you.
I felt not cared about.
I felt hurt.
I felt as if you didn’t respect enough to try to be on time.
I-STATEMENTS are difficult to think up – especially when we are really upset. And it’s difficult to come up with I-STATEMENTS that say
nothing at all about the other person. Using the “passive voice” or the term “as if” can really help here. So, “I felt as if my
appointment wasn’t important to you” is very different from “I felt that you didn’t think my appointment was important.”
Here are some examples of YOU-STATEMENTS that look like I-STATEMENTS but are not. These are YOU-STATEMENTS disguised as I-
STATEMENTS:
I think you don’t care about me.
I think you should have planned better.
I feel that you don’t care about being on time.
I feel that you are a real jerk.
Although these statements use “I think” or “I feel”, what comes after them is a YOU-STATEMENT. These will only inflame the other
person.
So, what might Teri say to Tommy? Here is but one response:
“Tommy, I really appreciate your taking the time to pick me up today. I know that there are a thousand other things that you could
have been doing. You are really being helpful to me.” (Starting with the Positive)
“I realize now that I kind of asked to you come and get me at the last minute. I shouldn’t have done that. Next time, I’ll try not to
wait until the last moment.” (Taking Responsibility for Your Part in the Conflict)
“At the same time, I often find myself late for appointments after I’ve asked you to pick me up. When that happens, I feel as if my
appointments aren’t important to you. Sometimes I feel just not cared about.” (Using I-STATEMENTS to Express Feelings; Avoiding
Blame)
Why This Works
This three-step strategy is simple to state, but it takes work to put into practice. When it is put into practice, it really works – as long
as the person using it really means what he or she says!
Why does it work? Well, it’s simple. The first step acknowledges the other person’s feelings. You are essentially saying to the other
person: “I value you”; I appreciate you”; “I appreciate what you did.”
The second step communicates to the other person that you are not blameless – that you are aware that you do things that you wish
you did not do, and that you care about that. The second step says, essentially, “I know I make mistakes that affect you, and I don’t
want to do that.”
The third step directs the other person’s attention to your feelings rather than to the other person’s sense of being blamed, criticized or
scolded. When you state your feelings using an I-STATEMENT, you avoid putting the other person on the defensive. I-STATEMENTS
capitalized on your relationship with the other person. The other person doesn’t want to make you feel bad! The other person cares
about you! I-STATEMENTS capitalize on the other person’s care. They say, “I’m not blaming you, but I do want you to know how I
feel”.
You will be surprised on how this three-step strategy works to bring people closer together at times when they can easily be pushed
away from each other.
up Teri for her appointment. Teri becomes angry:
Teri: “Why are you always late? Now I’m going to be late for my appointment!”
Now, Teri may (or may not) be absolutely right! Nevertheless, Teri’s blame immediately puts Tommy on the defensive.
Tommy: “What do you mean ‘why was I late’? Do you have any idea what the traffic is like this time of day? Next time, get yourself
to your own appointment!”
This is a common situation. It’s often difficult to control bad feelings during times of conflict. But even if Teri were right, her anger is
not going to change Tommy’s behavior. In fact, it’s more likely to make the situation even worse.
Now, there are many ways to fix a situation like this. Here is one three-step solution. When a conflict arises, take a deep breath,
think a bit about what it is that you want to achieve, and do the following.
- 1. Start with the Positive
2. Accept Responsibility for your Role in the Conflict
3. Use “I-Statements” (and not “YOU statements”) to Explain How You Feel
Let’s take it step-by-step.
Start with the Positive
Whoa! First calm down. Take three or ten deep breaths. Then, start by calmly stating something that you appreciate about the other
person. It has to be something genuine – something that you really believe that is positive about the other person as it relates to the
context or problem at hand. For example, Teri might say to Tommy,
“Tommy, I really appreciate your taking the time to pick me up today. I know that there are a thousand other things that you could
have been doing. You are really being helpful to me.”
Accept Responsibility for Your Role in the Conflict
It is a truly rare conflict that is caused by only one person. Really. It’s true. Even when you don’t think it is.
So, when there is a conflict, after you take your breaths, think hard. If you are pointing the finger at the other person in your mind,
stop! Then turn that finger back and – just for a second or two – point it to yourself. Ask yourself: Is it possible that there is anything
– however small --- that I could have done to contribute to this? After you immediately say, “NO WAY, HE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS
LATE!”, breathe and try again. Is there anything? Anything at all? “Hmmm…I didn’t really give Tommy very much notice when I asked
him to pick me up. I kind of just asked at the last minute.” Or perhaps “I didn’t really factor in how much time it would take for him to
come and get me during rush hour”. It could be anything.
And then, once you find it, own up to it! Be brave. You’ll be doing the right thing.
“Tommy, I realize now that I kind of asked to you come and get me at the last minute. I shouldn’t have done that. Next time, I’ll try
not to wait until the last moment.”
Use I-Statements to Communicate How You Feel
Now, use I-Statements to tell the other person how you feel about the situation.
Now wait: I said tell the other person how YOU FEEL about the situation. Now here’s the rub: When you do this, don’t blame the other
person – just state how you feel. Don’t tell the other person what a jerk he or she was; about what he or she did wrong; about how
unreliable he or she is.
Instead, use I-Statements. An I-STATEMENT is a sentence that begins with the word “I” and tells how you feel inside. An I-
STATEMENT is different from a YOU-STATEMENT. A YOU-Statement says something about the other person. When we blame, we use
YOU-STATEMENTS. Here are some:
You are always late!
You are making me late!
You should have come on time!
You didn’t plan enough ahead of time!
Of course, YOU-STATEMENTS put people on the defensive.
I-STATEMENTS are less likely to put people on the defensive. Here are some:
I felt as if I wasn’t important.
I felt as if my appointment wasn’t important to you.
I felt not cared about.
I felt hurt.
I felt as if you didn’t respect enough to try to be on time.
I-STATEMENTS are difficult to think up – especially when we are really upset. And it’s difficult to come up with I-STATEMENTS that say
nothing at all about the other person. Using the “passive voice” or the term “as if” can really help here. So, “I felt as if my
appointment wasn’t important to you” is very different from “I felt that you didn’t think my appointment was important.”
Here are some examples of YOU-STATEMENTS that look like I-STATEMENTS but are not. These are YOU-STATEMENTS disguised as I-
STATEMENTS:
I think you don’t care about me.
I think you should have planned better.
I feel that you don’t care about being on time.
I feel that you are a real jerk.
Although these statements use “I think” or “I feel”, what comes after them is a YOU-STATEMENT. These will only inflame the other
person.
So, what might Teri say to Tommy? Here is but one response:
“Tommy, I really appreciate your taking the time to pick me up today. I know that there are a thousand other things that you could
have been doing. You are really being helpful to me.” (Starting with the Positive)
“I realize now that I kind of asked to you come and get me at the last minute. I shouldn’t have done that. Next time, I’ll try not to
wait until the last moment.” (Taking Responsibility for Your Part in the Conflict)
“At the same time, I often find myself late for appointments after I’ve asked you to pick me up. When that happens, I feel as if my
appointments aren’t important to you. Sometimes I feel just not cared about.” (Using I-STATEMENTS to Express Feelings; Avoiding
Blame)
Why This Works
This three-step strategy is simple to state, but it takes work to put into practice. When it is put into practice, it really works – as long
as the person using it really means what he or she says!
Why does it work? Well, it’s simple. The first step acknowledges the other person’s feelings. You are essentially saying to the other
person: “I value you”; I appreciate you”; “I appreciate what you did.”
The second step communicates to the other person that you are not blameless – that you are aware that you do things that you wish
you did not do, and that you care about that. The second step says, essentially, “I know I make mistakes that affect you, and I don’t
want to do that.”
The third step directs the other person’s attention to your feelings rather than to the other person’s sense of being blamed, criticized or
scolded. When you state your feelings using an I-STATEMENT, you avoid putting the other person on the defensive. I-STATEMENTS
capitalized on your relationship with the other person. The other person doesn’t want to make you feel bad! The other person cares
about you! I-STATEMENTS capitalize on the other person’s care. They say, “I’m not blaming you, but I do want you to know how I
feel”.
You will be surprised on how this three-step strategy works to bring people closer together at times when they can easily be pushed
away from each other.