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| Romantic Relationships during Adolescence by Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |
Adolescence is a time of change. One of the most important changes that occur, especially in our culture, is that teens begin to form
romantic relationships. The thought of romantic relationships in adolescence can seem quite overwhelming. How can I make sure
that my child is safe? How can I prepare and help him or her through the difficulties and uncertainties of dating and relationships? Do
I restrict my child’s activities? How much monitoring is too much? Too little?
These are difficult questions. Different parents will settle on different answers to these questions in accordance with their values, their
knowledge of their children, their cultural backgrounds and their customs. Here are some ideas that might help.
The first issue that comes up for many parents is the nature of the parent-child relationship during adolescence. Many parents fear
that over the course of adolescence, teens will seek support from their peers and not from their parents. To a certain extent, this is
true. Teens seek support from their friends; they may monitor how much they disclose to their parents. We are all familiar with the
single word replies that teens often provide when they are asked a question!
However, the trick to understanding parenting in adolescence is to see that your relationship is not going away, it is changing. Most
teens go through adolescence without severing their emotional ties with their parents. Your teen will rely upon you in different ways
throughout adolescence. Much depends on your child, and on the nature of the relationship that you and your child have before he or
she enters adolescence. A relationship built on trust and guidance will go a long way once your child enters adolescence. It is true
that your teen will become more autonomous in forming new relationships during adolescence. As a result, she will need you to help
her to find appropriate ways to be autonomous in those new relationships. The road to supporting your child’s increased autonomy
may be a bit bumpy at times. But you are still needed (See Why Your Adolescent Still Needs You, NSC&F, January, 2008).
When it comes to romantic relationships in adolescence, our first thought might be to think of them as short term or superficial
relationships – “puppy love” – not something to be taken seriously. It is important to know that romantic relationships are very
important to your teen! Social relationships become a great concern for American teens. Like adults, they experience some of their
strongest positive and negative emotions within romantic relationships. So, even though adults are away that most adolescent
romances will be short-lived, one way to support a teenage is to treat the relationship seriously. Sometimes, adults teasing can make
the teen feel as if the parent is dismissing or trivializing his or her experience.
Romantic relationships play an important role in the development of a teen’s sense of self-worth and esteem. Again, like adults, it is
in romantic relationships that teens seek answers to important questions like, “Am I likable?” “Am I attractive?” Further, because
adolescents are so status conscious, the issue of who one dates raises questions of status and social achievement. Dating a popular
or attractive person may help improve or establish a teen’s sense of popularity or acceptance. Most teens will often feel the thrill of
acceptance and the stings of rejection. Success and failure in romantic relationships can be like an emotional roller coaster for
This is where parents can help. Parents can help their teens put such feelings into perspective. It may be helpful to discuss with your
child what it means to be attractive, popular or likeable. Like all of us, our teens need understanding, support and guidance when it
comes to dealing with inevitable rejections. Parents can help a lot.
Romantic relationships in adolescence are also important for a teen’s social development. Although we don’t always think like this, it
is, in part, through romantic relationships that teens learn how to have such relationships. We learn how to be in relationships through
our relationships. So, romantic relationships are a place where teens learn to how to support another person and to be supported, how
to be emotionally intimate with another person, how to give and take, how to define the boundaries of what is acceptable and not
acceptable in a relationship. It might be helpful to think of adolescent romantic relationships as laboratories for learning. If every
relationship is learning experience, parents can help by being available and open to discuss, support and guide teens – as much as
they will allow – through their relational experimentation.
As parents attempt to support their children through adolescent relationship, there will, of course, be conflict. But remember, the mere
existence of conflict that is not bad; the issue is how conflict is managed. There will often be disagreements about curfews, who and
who is not an appropriate person to date, the amount of time spent with a romantic partner, appropriate attire, changes in networks of
friends brought about by new relationships, and more. One way to approach such conflicts is to communicate your respect for your
teen’s need to develop his or her autonomy as well as your own (legitimate!) need for your teen to respect your role as parent and
supporter.
For example, as teens form romantic attachments, they may spend more time with their boy- or girlfriends. This raises questions
about the appropriate amount of time spent with romantic interests versus family. One way to deal with this situation is to
acknowledge and address what appear to be competing interests. “I understand it is important for you to spend time with Sarah, but
it is important to us that you also spend time with your family. We want you to spend time with Sarah, but it’s important that we
spend time together with you. Let’s think of a new schedule in which you feel as though you can have time with both Sarah and with
your family…”
Although it’s never easy to find just the right balance, parents can play a positive role in supporting their children through the slings
and arrows of adolescent love. Although the road may be bumpy, it is possible to build a healthy partnership to support your teen’s
growth and development. Quite often, when a child feels that an adult genuinely respects her attempt to develop autonomy and
choice, she will respect your need to provide guidance, direction and limits.
Much of the information for this article was based on Furman, W., & Shaffer L. (2003). The role of romantic relationships in adolescent
development. In P. Florsheim (Ed.). Adolescent romantic relations and sexual behavior: Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
romantic relationships. The thought of romantic relationships in adolescence can seem quite overwhelming. How can I make sure
that my child is safe? How can I prepare and help him or her through the difficulties and uncertainties of dating and relationships? Do
I restrict my child’s activities? How much monitoring is too much? Too little?
These are difficult questions. Different parents will settle on different answers to these questions in accordance with their values, their
knowledge of their children, their cultural backgrounds and their customs. Here are some ideas that might help.
The first issue that comes up for many parents is the nature of the parent-child relationship during adolescence. Many parents fear
that over the course of adolescence, teens will seek support from their peers and not from their parents. To a certain extent, this is
true. Teens seek support from their friends; they may monitor how much they disclose to their parents. We are all familiar with the
single word replies that teens often provide when they are asked a question!
However, the trick to understanding parenting in adolescence is to see that your relationship is not going away, it is changing. Most
teens go through adolescence without severing their emotional ties with their parents. Your teen will rely upon you in different ways
throughout adolescence. Much depends on your child, and on the nature of the relationship that you and your child have before he or
she enters adolescence. A relationship built on trust and guidance will go a long way once your child enters adolescence. It is true
that your teen will become more autonomous in forming new relationships during adolescence. As a result, she will need you to help
her to find appropriate ways to be autonomous in those new relationships. The road to supporting your child’s increased autonomy
may be a bit bumpy at times. But you are still needed (See Why Your Adolescent Still Needs You, NSC&F, January, 2008).
When it comes to romantic relationships in adolescence, our first thought might be to think of them as short term or superficial
relationships – “puppy love” – not something to be taken seriously. It is important to know that romantic relationships are very
important to your teen! Social relationships become a great concern for American teens. Like adults, they experience some of their
strongest positive and negative emotions within romantic relationships. So, even though adults are away that most adolescent
romances will be short-lived, one way to support a teenage is to treat the relationship seriously. Sometimes, adults teasing can make
the teen feel as if the parent is dismissing or trivializing his or her experience.
Romantic relationships play an important role in the development of a teen’s sense of self-worth and esteem. Again, like adults, it is
in romantic relationships that teens seek answers to important questions like, “Am I likable?” “Am I attractive?” Further, because
adolescents are so status conscious, the issue of who one dates raises questions of status and social achievement. Dating a popular
or attractive person may help improve or establish a teen’s sense of popularity or acceptance. Most teens will often feel the thrill of
acceptance and the stings of rejection. Success and failure in romantic relationships can be like an emotional roller coaster for
This is where parents can help. Parents can help their teens put such feelings into perspective. It may be helpful to discuss with your
child what it means to be attractive, popular or likeable. Like all of us, our teens need understanding, support and guidance when it
comes to dealing with inevitable rejections. Parents can help a lot.
Romantic relationships in adolescence are also important for a teen’s social development. Although we don’t always think like this, it
is, in part, through romantic relationships that teens learn how to have such relationships. We learn how to be in relationships through
our relationships. So, romantic relationships are a place where teens learn to how to support another person and to be supported, how
to be emotionally intimate with another person, how to give and take, how to define the boundaries of what is acceptable and not
acceptable in a relationship. It might be helpful to think of adolescent romantic relationships as laboratories for learning. If every
relationship is learning experience, parents can help by being available and open to discuss, support and guide teens – as much as
they will allow – through their relational experimentation.
As parents attempt to support their children through adolescent relationship, there will, of course, be conflict. But remember, the mere
existence of conflict that is not bad; the issue is how conflict is managed. There will often be disagreements about curfews, who and
who is not an appropriate person to date, the amount of time spent with a romantic partner, appropriate attire, changes in networks of
friends brought about by new relationships, and more. One way to approach such conflicts is to communicate your respect for your
teen’s need to develop his or her autonomy as well as your own (legitimate!) need for your teen to respect your role as parent and
supporter.
For example, as teens form romantic attachments, they may spend more time with their boy- or girlfriends. This raises questions
about the appropriate amount of time spent with romantic interests versus family. One way to deal with this situation is to
acknowledge and address what appear to be competing interests. “I understand it is important for you to spend time with Sarah, but
it is important to us that you also spend time with your family. We want you to spend time with Sarah, but it’s important that we
spend time together with you. Let’s think of a new schedule in which you feel as though you can have time with both Sarah and with
your family…”
Although it’s never easy to find just the right balance, parents can play a positive role in supporting their children through the slings
and arrows of adolescent love. Although the road may be bumpy, it is possible to build a healthy partnership to support your teen’s
growth and development. Quite often, when a child feels that an adult genuinely respects her attempt to develop autonomy and
choice, she will respect your need to provide guidance, direction and limits.
Much of the information for this article was based on Furman, W., & Shaffer L. (2003). The role of romantic relationships in adolescent
development. In P. Florsheim (Ed.). Adolescent romantic relations and sexual behavior: Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.