| . |
Children
&
Families
North Shore
| the online and print forum promoting the development of children, families and the parents who care for them |
 | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  | |  |
© Copyright 2007-2009, North Shore Ink, All Rights Reserved
The self-esteem trap occurs when adults fail to challenge children out of fear hurting their self-esteem. Several years
ago, a cartoon appeared in The New Yorker magazine (December 7, 1998) that illustrates the self-esteem trap. The
cartoon portrays a father and son on a ski-slope. The boy, perhaps in the process of just learning to ski, has fallen
into the snow. Smiling, the father praises his son: “Great fall, Josh!” The father’s words are uttered out of fear that
anything short of praise will hurt his child’s self-esteem. This is not true. In fact, such actions may do much more
harm than good.
It’s easy to fall into the self-esteem trap. As parents, we love our children and want to give them the best of
everything. Sometimes, however, this can result in protecting our children at the expense of demanding high
standards. It could result in indulging a child when we should be supporting higher levels of achievement. The self-
esteem trap is built upon a series of myths. Each myth sets up the trap in a slightly different way.
Myth 1: Self-esteem Precedes Success
This myth is built on the belief that in order to succeed at a task, a child must first have self-esteem or self-
confidence. This comes from the idea that in order to perform any difficult task, a person must first believe that he can
perform that task. But, if a person does not yet know how to perform a task, where will this belief come from? It will
come only after some degree of success with the task. For a child to achieve success and confidence, an adult needs
to set high standards and support the child in her attempt to reach those high standards.
Imagine that an important government official asked you to pilot the space shuttle. Are you confident that you can do
it? You may or may not be confident that you can eventually learn to do this. However, unless you are a trained
astronaut, you are unlikely to feel such confidence now. Where will your confidence come from? It will come when
expert astronauts show you everything that you need to do in order to succeed in flying the space shuttle. Your
confidence comes after you have enjoyed some degree of success in your training. It will come after someone has
helped you and supported your attempt to live up to high standards.
Myth 2: Children are Incompetent
This myth has its origins in the observation that infants and young children are helpless without the assistance of
adults. From this view, adults may feel the need to wait until a later point in a child’s development before placing
demands on a child. This line or reasoning operates like this: “My three-year-old child is not yet competent to make his
bed. I need to wait until he is older before I ask him to do that.”
Although children need assistance and support to learn how to do tasks, they are not incompetent. Any given skill
develops gradually over time. Children master parts of a task with help before they can perform entire tasks by
themselves. A three-year old may not be able to make her bed. But she can help puff up the pillow. By next month,
maybe she can puff up the pillow and hold the sheets!
Myth 3: Children are Fragile
Young children are easily hurt. It takes years of development until children can stub a toe or withstand an inoculation
without crying. As a result, it is easy to think of children as fragile. In so doing, adults may try to protect children from
critical commentary or stressful situations. They may think that anything short of praise will damage a child’s self-
esteem. But children are not fragile. Although easily hurt, children are remarkably resilient. Most children can be
calmed a few minutes after having stubbed a toe. Children who receive shots may hate their next visit to the doctor;
but by tomorrow the shot they received today will be forgotten.
The same is true of a child’s self-esteem. Most children do not crumble when they are redirected, prohibited from
certain actions, or when provided with constructive feedback. Constructive feedback is not the same as criticizing a
child. Criticizing a child (“What a stupid boy!”) will result in self-esteem problems. Constructive feedback from a loving
and supportive parent (“Good try Josh, but next time, try to keep both skis next to each other!”) will enhance your
child’s skills and sense of competence.
Myth 4: Children are Budding Flowers
The last and perhaps most dangerous myth is that children are like budding flowers. Flowers need sunshine, warmth
and water in order to grow. From this view, children are like flowers; all they need to grow is love, nurturing, and
nourishment. Love and acceptance will produce self-esteem. Parents who direct their children’s development may
damage the child’s self-esteem and disrupt the child’s natural path. However, while children certainly need love and
nurturing, these qualities are simply not enough. Research clearly shows that parents who are warm and accepting
but who do not promote high maturity demands have less socially competent children than parents who are both
support and demanding.
A Path to Healthy Development'
Correcting and critiquing a child’s actions will not damage her self-esteem; nor will it stifle her development. By
providing redirection to children, they will develop the skills they need to be successful learners. This is what will
ultimately foster their self-esteem. The trick to promoting self-esteem and skill development is to love and nurture the
child while enforcing high standards for behavior and performance. Here’s how:
There is no contradiction between being a loving and nurturing parent and setting high standards for achievement and
enforcing them. Although we may love our children unconditionally, self-esteem is something that must be earned,
not simply granted. Parents play a central role in the development of children’s self-esteem. By guiding and
supporting your child’s attempts to live up to high standards, children develop competence and self-esteem at the
same time. Nothing succeeds like supported success.
ago, a cartoon appeared in The New Yorker magazine (December 7, 1998) that illustrates the self-esteem trap. The
cartoon portrays a father and son on a ski-slope. The boy, perhaps in the process of just learning to ski, has fallen
into the snow. Smiling, the father praises his son: “Great fall, Josh!” The father’s words are uttered out of fear that
anything short of praise will hurt his child’s self-esteem. This is not true. In fact, such actions may do much more
harm than good.
It’s easy to fall into the self-esteem trap. As parents, we love our children and want to give them the best of
everything. Sometimes, however, this can result in protecting our children at the expense of demanding high
standards. It could result in indulging a child when we should be supporting higher levels of achievement. The self-
esteem trap is built upon a series of myths. Each myth sets up the trap in a slightly different way.
Myth 1: Self-esteem Precedes Success
This myth is built on the belief that in order to succeed at a task, a child must first have self-esteem or self-
confidence. This comes from the idea that in order to perform any difficult task, a person must first believe that he can
perform that task. But, if a person does not yet know how to perform a task, where will this belief come from? It will
come only after some degree of success with the task. For a child to achieve success and confidence, an adult needs
to set high standards and support the child in her attempt to reach those high standards.
Imagine that an important government official asked you to pilot the space shuttle. Are you confident that you can do
it? You may or may not be confident that you can eventually learn to do this. However, unless you are a trained
astronaut, you are unlikely to feel such confidence now. Where will your confidence come from? It will come when
expert astronauts show you everything that you need to do in order to succeed in flying the space shuttle. Your
confidence comes after you have enjoyed some degree of success in your training. It will come after someone has
helped you and supported your attempt to live up to high standards.
Myth 2: Children are Incompetent
This myth has its origins in the observation that infants and young children are helpless without the assistance of
adults. From this view, adults may feel the need to wait until a later point in a child’s development before placing
demands on a child. This line or reasoning operates like this: “My three-year-old child is not yet competent to make his
bed. I need to wait until he is older before I ask him to do that.”
Although children need assistance and support to learn how to do tasks, they are not incompetent. Any given skill
develops gradually over time. Children master parts of a task with help before they can perform entire tasks by
themselves. A three-year old may not be able to make her bed. But she can help puff up the pillow. By next month,
maybe she can puff up the pillow and hold the sheets!
Myth 3: Children are Fragile
Young children are easily hurt. It takes years of development until children can stub a toe or withstand an inoculation
without crying. As a result, it is easy to think of children as fragile. In so doing, adults may try to protect children from
critical commentary or stressful situations. They may think that anything short of praise will damage a child’s self-
esteem. But children are not fragile. Although easily hurt, children are remarkably resilient. Most children can be
calmed a few minutes after having stubbed a toe. Children who receive shots may hate their next visit to the doctor;
but by tomorrow the shot they received today will be forgotten.
The same is true of a child’s self-esteem. Most children do not crumble when they are redirected, prohibited from
certain actions, or when provided with constructive feedback. Constructive feedback is not the same as criticizing a
child. Criticizing a child (“What a stupid boy!”) will result in self-esteem problems. Constructive feedback from a loving
and supportive parent (“Good try Josh, but next time, try to keep both skis next to each other!”) will enhance your
child’s skills and sense of competence.
Myth 4: Children are Budding Flowers
The last and perhaps most dangerous myth is that children are like budding flowers. Flowers need sunshine, warmth
and water in order to grow. From this view, children are like flowers; all they need to grow is love, nurturing, and
nourishment. Love and acceptance will produce self-esteem. Parents who direct their children’s development may
damage the child’s self-esteem and disrupt the child’s natural path. However, while children certainly need love and
nurturing, these qualities are simply not enough. Research clearly shows that parents who are warm and accepting
but who do not promote high maturity demands have less socially competent children than parents who are both
support and demanding.
A Path to Healthy Development'
Correcting and critiquing a child’s actions will not damage her self-esteem; nor will it stifle her development. By
providing redirection to children, they will develop the skills they need to be successful learners. This is what will
ultimately foster their self-esteem. The trick to promoting self-esteem and skill development is to love and nurture the
child while enforcing high standards for behavior and performance. Here’s how:
- • Act so that your child feels that you love and care for her unconditionally
• Set high standards for your child and help your child attain them
• Help your child figure out how to do new tasks
• When your child falls short of expectations, explain just what he has to do to improve
• Love and support your child while evaluating his or her behavior, work or performance
• Offer mild praise his effort and success when performance improves
There is no contradiction between being a loving and nurturing parent and setting high standards for achievement and
enforcing them. Although we may love our children unconditionally, self-esteem is something that must be earned,
not simply granted. Parents play a central role in the development of children’s self-esteem. By guiding and
supporting your child’s attempts to live up to high standards, children develop competence and self-esteem at the
same time. Nothing succeeds like supported success.
| Avoiding the Self-Esteem Trap: Supporting Children by Setting High Standards By Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D. |